


Atonement

by Kessie



Series: For better or worse [7]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist, Fullmetal Alchemist (Anime 2003)
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-20
Updated: 2013-04-20
Packaged: 2017-12-08 23:23:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/767300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kessie/pseuds/Kessie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Roy`s demons are eating him and Pinako tries to talk some sense into the guy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Atonement

###### Atonement - written for the ABC Challenge

**By Kessie**

Disclaimer - not mine, all characters belong to Hiromu Arakawa etc, Square Enix and funimition and they simply wont shut up lately-- I'm sorry.

Pairing - a hint of Roy/Riza/Maes/Gracia

Rating PG-13 ish I think

Summary - Roy`s demons are eating him and Pinako tries to talk some sense into the guy.

Length: 1490 words

Author’s Note #1 - This may be a little bit OOC since I'm not entirely sure I can write Pinako that well… but well… I tried … *laughs*

Author’s Note #2 - **This is unbetaed so read on your own risk**.

 

Cold sweat was running down his back, as Roy sat up in his bed, shivering from head to toe. It happened more often lately, that his ghosts came back to haunt him and he had attributed it to the stress he had, but he knew that it wasn’t the only reason.

 

Nevertheless it left the others worried as well and he was damn glad that Riza was visiting a friend outside of town tonight, while Gracia and Maes were sleeping in the next room. Not wanting to wake his two lovers or anyone else he got up as silently as possible and tiptoed out of the guest room, intending to get downstairs to find a good drink.

 

He could already hear Maes scolding him for doing things like that again, but just shook his head. They already had been awake the last three nights, just because he had his nightmares again and he wanted them to get at least some rest. Especially since the house was full with the Elrics, Winry and Pinako Rockbell in the other guest rooms and because of that life was a bit crazy anyway.

 

Slowly he walked over to the liquor cabinet and got himself a big glass of Whiskey, before getting out into the garden, where he sat onto the grass and watched the stars for a while.

 

Life had quieted down a bit again after all the terror with the homunculi and the military and normally Roy should have been feeling great and happy and all that, but somehow he didn’t. Instead he only felt worse, especially at night. It seemed like all ghosts and demons he had ever acquired came back to haunt him all at once lately.

 

"So you are getting drunk again?"

 

Roy nearly lashed out until he saw that it was only Pinako Rockbell who was standing behind him. He hadn't even heard her coming since he had been so lost in his thoughts and he cursed himself and his one good eye for being so careless.

 

If it had been anyone else… No, he didn’t want to think about that. He was supposed to be safe now, although it didn’t really feel that way.

Settling down next to him Pinako looked at the sky for a minute before turning to him again.

 

"You know I really want to smack you sometimes." She said, voice all hard and serious and it was on Roy to turn and look at her.

 

"Oh, I understand." He managed, already expecting a blow but nothing came.

 

"Its not what you think." Pinako replied, shaking her head at him. "It hasn’t anything to do with what you did to my son and his wife. Its more like.." Taking the half-full Whiskey glass from him she threw it away so that it landed a few meters away from them on the grass, splintering into a few thousand pieces. " You should stop this."

 

Roy grimaced. He should have known. Another one who wanted to lecture him on his drinking habits. Of course they were right, but nevertheless he didn’t want to hear it anymore.

 

Not tonight. Not after this damn dream of Ishbal that left him close to retching onto the floor. Letting out a long sigh he wanted to wave it off but Pinako was quicker.

 

"Talk." She said, determined, leaving Roy just to stare at her. "I said talk. Tell me what the hell you have been dreaming about. The whole house if not the whole street heard your screams."

 

Roy blinked. So they had been all awake after all but still had left him alone?

 

"Roy." Pinako voice sounded hard now and Roy flinched at his forename, which Pinako had never really used before.

 

She had called him Mustang, Colonel, hell even bastard once, but never Roy. They weren't exactly on first name basis somehow and it was understandable after their past.

 

"Start talking or I'm really going to smack you. I'm not accepting a no for an answer."

 

It was strange. Despite her size Pinako was still scary as hell. At least to Roy. Taking a long breath he nodded at her and started to talk, not daring to look at her in the moonlight anymore.

 

"There… when I was Ishbal, there was a child. We met in an old house and he had a gun, which he immediately pointed at me and…"

 

He proceeded to tell her everything he could remember. Of dying women and children, of the burning houses, of the hurt which were left screaming on the battlefield and the sickening smell of grease and fat when he snapped and did what he was told to do. Of seeing some of his friends die and other dismembered or hurt, of children left without their parents and of the feeling that whatever he was doing, it seemed always wrong and how he couldn’t really save anyone. Pinako listened to him silently, just asking sometimes if she wanted to know more and Roy couldn’t really believe he was talking to her of all people. They talked for hours and when they finally came to an end it was nearly dawning already.

 

Talking about the incident with Rockbells had been that last thing they had done and even though they had spoken about it before it still left them both silent and deep in thought afterwards.

 

"You know I sometimes would do this for her as well." Pinako suddenly said and Roy looked up from the tiny piece of grass he had been inspecting.

 

"What?" He asked, not sure what she was talking about.

 

"Sara. There were a few nights when she came to visit and we talked about the war as well. She told me about all this horror and how she felt her work wasn’t really changing anything at all.."

 

Roy nearly gasped. "But that's not true. If it wouldn’t have been for her there probably would have been even more…"

 

Pinako nodded. "I know. But that didn’t stop her from having doubts. She always believed she could have saved someone better or should have gotten even closer to the battlefield then she already was."

 

Roy just shook his head. "She was the last one who should have been having doubts about this."

 

"You are not so much different. You know that?"

 

Roy gasped. "Mrs. Rockbell, I don’t think.."

 

Pinako held up her hand and he immediately went still. "First its Pinako, okay? We have known us long enough now."

 

Roy looked a bit shocked at first but then nodded anyway. "Okay, Pinako."

 

Pinako allowed herself a tiny smile before continuing with a more serious face again. "Have you ever thought what would have happened to you if someone in the military found out that you have been hiding from them what the Elrics attempted? You know what I am talking about do you?" She inquired, looking directly into Roy`s eyes now. "Yet, you still took the risk and helped them. And what would have happened if there had been another Kimbley instead of you, who didn’t direct his flames against the buildings as much as you did?"

 

"But I …"

 

"That's what I mean Roy, no buts. You may have done you share of wrong and I wont lie, it’s a whole big share, but we all fail. What's more important is that you tried. You tried to make this world a better place and actually succeeded by getting rid of these monsters together with Ed."

 

Already seeing Roy wanted to object again Pinako waved him off.

 

"No listen to me. It really is time to let go of all this guilt inside you. You know, the atonement for your sins doesn't only include that you have to suffer for what you have done, it also means that you have go on living and make your life better than it was before. You should honour the ones who gave their lives by living your life for the fullest and making the most of it. You owe that to them and also to your friends and loved ones, who are with you. You have to start living again, Roy. The dead wont come back to life, no matter what you do."

 

Roy didn’t say anything and just stared at the tiny woman in front of him while Pinako just smiled.

 

"Go to sleep Roy, you look exhausted. And think about my words, okay? If you ever want to talk again… "

 

Still in shock Roy managed to nod, before he got up and walked slowly towards the house. He felt a bit dazed at the moment, but still a lot better than before he had talked to Pinako Rockbell. Halfway he stopped and turned around again, looking at the tiny woman, who was still sitting relaxed in the now dampening grass, for one more time.

 

"Mrs. Rock… I mean. Pinako?"

 

"Yeah?"

 

"Thanks."

 

The woman smiled and just waved him off. 

 

End


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